hope

Warning: this post is strictly my journal and for that reason, IF I want to throw myself a pity party I will.  If you are not interested, nobody is asking you to read it.
     My cousin just had his back operated on, they told him he should have come and done it years ago, He is on the mend already walking and back to work.  His recovery time will be about 3 months.  My next door neighbor was telling me that her mom just scheduled a back surgery, her recovery will be a bit longer 3-6 months.  I could sit here and list every single person I know that has had back surgery and done just fine with the recovery, it would be a very long list.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for these people, I am happy that they have some HOPE of their backs getting better, yes I understand that it may never completely heal, but it will get better then it is right now for them.  I have been in a weird place in my head for months now.  It is starting to affect my life and the way that I look at things.  My back has been horrible for years, it started in jr. high and continues to get progressively worse.  I have been to LOTS of doctors to see if there is anything that can be done to help me.  I have been told that I need a back fusion which is what my parents had done.  The first time I was told this was when Jacob was about 3 months old (he is now 8).  I was at my mom's house and I went to change his diaper, I was in the hallway by the kitchen, when I bent over to wipe him, my back went out BAD.  I couldn't move, all I could do was lay there and cry because I was in so much pain.  I layed there until my dad was able to come home and help me get up to the bed, the whole time I was in excruciating pain, it took all I had to get to that bed, and even then, the pain did not ease up.  I was taken to St. Marks hospital to see this one highly recommended doctor.  It was one of the LONGEST and most painful car rides of my life.  The doc. ordered an M.R.I. then came in to tell me what he saw.  Basically the jist of it was that my back had several herniated discs, and some bulging discs, also arthritis and disc degeneration.  He told me that I needed a fusion, however he was unwilling to perform the surgery based on my age (I was 25 yrs old).  I stayed in the hospital for 1 week, during that time they pumped me full of pain meds, scheduled me for lots of injections and set me up with a pain doctor to manage my pain (give me pain medicine.)
     Since that time, I have been to several doctors (who have all given me the same treatment) I have done more injections than I could count, and I have been with a pain clinic to help monitor my pain.  I have tried physical therapy, I have done massage therapy and I have spent an outrageous amount of money at the pharmacy each month, not to mention all the copays.  I was actually even scheduled for surgery at one point, but couldn't follow through because I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Emma.  After I had Emma, I went back in to the doctor that WAS going to do my surgery.  I re-did all of the things that they asked me to do, paid more money to have more tests done, paid more money to do more injections, paid more money to fill the prescriptions that they wrote and through all of this, I still hurt like Hell.  Don't get me wrong, I know this is by far not the worst thing a person could go through.  I do understand that I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful and aware of my blessings.  I guess I just wish that I had some hope.  Right now, hope is something that is not a part of my life.  I have been told by so many doctors that my back situation is something that is bad, yet they are unwilling to try and do something to fix it.  For most of my life, I have been avoiding back surgery like the plague, but now I just feel like I am ready to try that option because right now, I am miserable.  Every single day, there is something that I am afraid to do, because I am afraid to hurt my back.  I am afraid to bend over and pick up my baby, for fear that I won't be able to get up.  I have stopped doing pretty much everything that I love doing.  I used to love to ski, I can't ski because if I fell it could be VERY bad.  I love to go the movies, but now it is hard to sit for that long.  Even church (especially church) I am MISERABLE when I am there, if I do sit there for the full three hours, it is only because I have taken a pain pill to help get me through it.  Pain pills scare me.  I have seen people who I love get addicted to pain pills.  It is a scary dark world that I do not want to enter.  I have seen a mother become so addicted to them that she doesn't seem to even want to be a mom anymore.  I am so afraid of that life.  That is not what I want for myself or my family.
     Scott and I recently went to a doctor, we explained everything from beginning to end with my back.  Scott said to the doctor, "You need to understand that she is feeling hopeless."  Want to know what he said?  He looked directly at me and said, "don't feel hopeless".  I told him I did, and he just said "well, don't"  Follow up with me in 2 months.  I am really glad that I am not the type of person that would ever consider suicide because if I was, and that is what he had told me, I don't think there would have been anything holding me back from making that choice.  Am I depressed?  Probably.  Wouldn't you be?  Imagine how you would feel if on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being no pain, and 10 being the worst you have ever felt, imagine if you ran on a 7-8 most days.  Imagine that you never got down past a 5.  I used to be a fun person who loved to do fun things, I loved to ski, I loved to Rollerblade, I loved to jump on a trampoline, I loved to go down water slides, or rent a wave runner for the day, or shop for hours and hours.  Now, I lay in my bed A LOT.  The things I used to love to do, I am afraid to do them because I can't afford for my back to hurt more then it already does.  And every doctor that I talk to doesn't seem to understand that I in a sense, have stopped LIVING.  I am so tired of not having any hope that this will get better at some point.  I am 34 years old, I should be able to do things that other people get to do, even just dumb everyday stuff.  I am so tired of worrying about switching over my laundry and wondering if that is what is going to hurt me.  Every doctor that I talk to tells me to avoid the following things, don't bend, twist, or lift.  Well that is pretty much impossible when you have kids, especially little kids.  I have basically been told that this is just how it's gonna be.  I just wish someone would take a chance and TRY to fix it.  I just can not imagine living the rest of my life this way.  It's depressing.  Yesterday, I went down to an elementary school to judge a science fair to help out a friend.  I stood for about 2 hours looking at the displays and talking with the kids.  Does that sound hard to you?  NOPE, it shouldn't have been, but it was.  The whole time I was standing there, I was in pain.  I came home and laid down for a few hours after.  I just want to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't.  This doesn't just affect me, it also affects those around me.  It has taken a toll on my marriage.  My kids view me as someone who doesn't know how to have fun, and I am more then certain that there are people who just think I am making it worse then it actually is.  I am in no way comparing my struggles with people who have cancer I know that they have soooooo much more to deal with, but they at least have OPTIONS.  I wish that I could choose which treatment plan I will do, but I don't get that luxury.  It is so easy for someone to say, well just exercise and lose weight and you will feel so much better...NO REALLY???  Do they honestly think that I don't know that?  How does one go about exercising when in so much pain?  Or maybe I'm not in pain when I start, but I can guarantee that I will be in pain (for days) when I am done.  I just want  somebody to tell me that it will all be OK, that I don't need to live the remainder of my life like this.  I want options.  I want HOPE.

One REALLY LOOOOOOOONG post!

Here is some catch up for the last few weeks. 
     Thanksgiving.
     Cindy, Matt and the kids were able to come visit for Thanksgiving this year!  We always love it when they get to come.  Poor Matt was REALLY sick on the way down here their arrival was met with a trip to the emergency room for him, I won't get into details about all of that except to say that we are all so glad he is ok!  Kyle and Tyler got to spend quite a few nights at our house, the boys all love sleepovers, I'm not sure how they enjoyed themselves with 4 big little boys in one very small bedroom....but they didn't seem to mind.  When you only get to see your cousins once, maybe twice a year anything is fun as long as they are all together.
     I'm not sure how we did it, but we managed to fit 16 people into our house again for Turkey day.  It's fun to watch everyone come together to break a little bread.  We had way to much food as usual.  While the fam. was in town the boys watched movies, played the wii, stunk up the house, played the wii, went to nickel cade, played the wii....oh and did I mention the boys played the wii, A LOT!  I loved seeing my little nephews and my adorable niece, I wish they lived closer, who knows..maybe someday I will live closer to them...Kyle was so cute, he was trying to ask me a question and he turned all red and looked at me and said, ummmm....I forgot your name!  LOL he was soooo embarrassed, can't really blame him though, everyone has a little brain fart once in a while!  I felt bad because it clearly embarrassed him but I wasn't worried about it.
     The day before Thanksgiving we had some groceries to get so Kristin and I headed off to Walmart with the kiddos, as we were leaving I noticed Zack's hair looked awful, it was really long and he had bed head so I made him go in the house to get a hat, as he was running into the house he tripped and fell on the concrete steps leading into our house.  I should have known right then that he was hurt because Zack is not one to cry when he gets hurt.  He will cry for emotional reasons, but usually is VERY tough when it comes to physical pain.  He cried...but I was in such a HURRY that I told him to man up.  I was sure he was ok.  He kept telling me that his foot was hurting as we were walking through Walmart.  Kristin and I just kept telling him to keep up with us as he hobbled along, (in my defense, he is a bit a LOT of a hypochondriac).  We also took him to the Dollar tree with us where he had to walk some more.  When we got home, Zack and Jacob went downstairs to watch a movie and about 1/2 hour or so later, Jacob came upstairs to tell me that Zack was crying.  I went downstairs and he said his foot was hurting.  I took his shoe off and took his sock off to find bruising, and LOTS of swelling. CRAP.  Took him into the insta care and sure enough, his ankle was BROKEN :(  Who knows if it was broken from the fall, or from his MEAN mom who made him walk all over the place!  He is fine now, had to wear a boot for a few weeks, but he is good as new!

                  EMMA

     Somehow despite my PLEADING with her to not grow up to fast, my sweet baby decided to have another birthday.  Emma turned two.  I really hate that time goes so fast,it seems like yesterday that we were bringing her home and now she is big, her hair is long, and she has learned how to tell me "NO".  It's a really good thing that Kristin is having TWO babies because my arms just need to hold a baby to keep me grounded.  At two years old, Emma weighs 22lbs. and 3 oz.  Yes she is still so tiny and precious!  They always tell me she is tall and skinny...let's hope that is always the case for her.  I honestly don't know how she is so skinny, she is ALWAYS eating!  She will eat ANYTHING you put in front of her.  Emma understands everything you say to her, but she is still not talking a whole lot.  Here are the words that she says.

  No, mom, dad, phone, Zack, Jakie, ball, kitty, eat, drink, night night (so cute) Dora, Landy (Landon, the boy I babysit)BABY, MINE, ba bye, grandpa (bump pa)Peek a boo (peep a boo) Sorry, Jamie (mom to the kids I babysit)go, hi, book, shoe, outside. 

     I may have missed a few, but I think I got most of them.  At two years old she still has all three boys tightly wrapped around her little finger (and maybe mom too), somehow, I don't think that will ever change.  She LOVES to play with her babies, she is a pro!  She loves to be chased (like Zack), she loves to watch Dora the Explorer, LOVES taking a bath, still sits fairly good while I do her hair, she is soooo into makeup, she loves to play with mine.  She loves to play with the cell phones too.  She was in a dance class where she learned how to do a somersault.  She really LOVES to go bu bye, I almost have to leave every day to go anywhere just so she can sit in the car and look around.  She really does get quite unhappy with things if we don't go at least once, and I am more than happy to indulge her on this because pretty soon she will be in school and I don't want to have any regrets!  Emma LOVES LOVES LOVES her Grandpa's.  I think they may also be a little bit wrapped around her other finger :)  She loves to go down the slides, and she loves to swing and jump on the trampoline.  She blows kisses.  When I try to lay her down for nap time, she will put her legs up so I can't get the blanket on, this is a game we play EVERY DAY, and it results in both of us giggling.  She likes to color.  She likes to ride her big wheel.  We sure do love our baby girl, even though she won't humor me and stay little forever!

OBSESSED

     The other day, I was told that I was obsessed with spending time with my kids.  Really??  Isn't that why you have kids?  To make sure that they are loved, fed, clothed and cared for?  The way that this was said, was honestly as if I was doing a bad thing by obsessing over my kids.  I think I will just chose to look at it differently, I am taking this as a compliment.  YES, I admit it....I am obsessed with my kids and I don't plan on changing this anytime soon EVER!  My kids and my husband are my world.  They are the reason I get up in the morning.  I will never understand why some people think that it's OK to tell someone else how to spend their time or how to raise their kids.  Am I a perfect mom?  NOPE... yes I make plenty of mistakes, and I really do try and learn something from each one, but this?  This just seems crazy to me.  So like I said, I am choosing to take this one as a compliment.  Besides...what's NOT to obsess over?  When you have kids as great as mine it gets pretty dang easy to obsess over.  Below is a list of just a few of the things that I currently LOVE about each of my kids.
     Zack: Zack is very compassionate towards everyone and everything.  You know how people say that they couldn't hurt a fly?  Well, that is Zack.  Seriously, if there is a spider in the house and I kill it, he always tells me that I didn't need to kill it, I could just put it back outside, (NOT A CHANCE!)  He loves animals, I think he would be a great veterinarian someday.   Zack is very loving, from day one Zack has always loved to hug and get hugs from everyone.  I LOVE getting my 16 hugs everyday!
     Jacob:  Jacob is such a good kid.  He is always trying so hard.  Jacob is a self starter with everything EXCEPT cleaning his room :)  He loves to help do things that Scott does, like mow the lawn or fix anything.  He is always very helpful with Emma and the kids that I babysit.  Jacob is very intuitive and seems to know exactly what I need before I even have a chance to tell him.  Jacob LOVES to laugh, his laugh is so contagious that you can't help but laugh right along with him, (very much like his dad!)  Jacob is a great listener.  I LOVE knowing that if something breaks around here, Jacob is always ready with his tools!
     Emma:  Emma's little personality is such fun!  She is a spunky little girl that's for sure.  She is very playful especially at nap time and bedtime, she will put her legs up so you can't get the blanket on her, and when you can't get them on...she just giggles and giggles!  I LOVE it!  Emma knows exactly what she wants and exactly how to get it!  She knows that if mom says no...Daddy or brothers will always find a way to say yes!  I sure do love my little girl, it's so fun to watch her play with her dolls and all of her little pink things :)  Love Love Love watching her be a little mama.
     I am most definitely blessed with these three beautiful little spirits.  They add so much to both of our lives, I don't know what I would ever do if something were to happen to any of them.  I love spending time with them, and I will happily do every chance I get.  It doesn't matter if we are taking a trip, going to lagoon or just being lazy and watching a movie, each and every one of these kids bring more happiness and love then I have ever known before.  It took us a while to get them all here, but our family is complete and I couldn't be happier...or more OBSESSED!
   Bottom line here, how do you NOT obsess over your kids?  Sure glad that I don't need to find out!  (Now...if only I could figure out how to get their picture here...)

Funky Town...

The other day, I was frustrated with the kids because they have not listened to a single thing that Scott or I have said to them in months...(perhaps a SLIGHT exageration)  anyways, we were trying to figure out what we could do to get us out of this funk that we have been in.  We were trying to explain a new reward system for them, and they wouldn't even listen to that.  At that time, I felt very frustrated and I told Zack and Jake that I might as well go back to work, because me being home was OBVIOUSLY not doing anyone any good.  I had a horrible migraine at the time and was laying on the couch trying to get rid of it.  Scott and the boys took Emma upstairs and began eating dinner, this is the conversation that I heard from the couch.
Zack:  Dad, mom said she doesn't want to be our mother anymore.
Scott:  She is just very frustrated with you guys, you need to listen to her some more.
Then the subject was changed.  I dragged my butt off of the couch to go "Correct" my son.  I NEVER said that I didn't want to be his mother.  I would NEVER say anything like that, and the fact that he is interpruting it this way makes me so sad.  My greatest joy is being their mother.  I love that I am able to stay home with them while they are young.  I LOVE that I am the first one they see after school, and I am the one who is there to help with their homework, and drive them to dance, scouts, and everything in between.  We are just in a funk...any suggestions on how to get out?

???

My heart is broken as I type this.  I told Zack that ever since he got home from school, he had done nothing but annoy me!  Honestly I feel like the worst mom.  I was frustrated with the noise level in my house (mostly him), I was frustrated with the TOYS EVERYWHERE and it seemed that no matter what he did, it was making me crazy.  Later I apologized to him and told him that he did not annoy me, but I still feel so guilty.  I am his MOTHER, as I so easily remind him (mostly when he talks back to me) I should be the one who has the MOST patience with him and lately, I feel like I have none left.  To top it all off, he told me that he feels like he has no friends at school, he has said this before and it truly does just break my heart.  I guess all the boys were playing football and they all told him that he couldn't be on their teams.  He said, mom...they just don't want me to play with them.  At 9 yrs. old, that has got to be hard~!  Every day, I see his confidence fade more and more, and I don't know what to do.  I am not always the mean mom who has no patience for noise and clutter, in fact I think most of the time, I am just the opposite.  For whatever reason, today it was all just getting to me.  OF COURSE today would be the day where his own heart is breaking because he is feeling worthless at school.  He hasnt said it in so many words, but I know that is how he is feeling.  It is killing me inside.  I don't know how to make the boys like him and want to play with him.  I feel completly helpless.  We are struggling with other issues with Zack as well.  His teacher has approached us about getting him tested for A.D.D.  this is something that we have suspected with him for quite some time, but it is now becoming a reality, at the moment, I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure what direction to go with this.  Of course I want him to succeed, but I don't want him to be medicated out of his mind and NOT be Zack.  Sometimes being a mom is just plain hard, you are expected to know all the answers and know how to give your child self confidence and worth, and I try, I really do, but something is clearly not working.  I don't want him to feel so insecure like I did all the time growing up.  I just wish the other kids didn't have to be so mean!  Just wish I had all the answers!

Amy

September 11th for so many is the anniversary of something HORRIBLE, but it is also my sister's birthday.  For the past 21 years, I have had to wish her a Happy Birthday at her grave.  Something that no sister, mother father, aunt, uncle, brother or friend should ever have to do.  I miss my sister.  I miss the relationship that we had, and the relationship that we have been cheated out of.  I miss being the "middle" child, instead when people assume that I am the "oldest" I have to tell them that I am the "oldest living" child.  I just miss her.

September 11, 2011

Yesterday was the ten year anniversary of the 9-11 attacks.  Where were you?  I was at home, I had just woken up and was watching the TODAY show.  I could not figure out what was going on, Scott happened to call right then and I remember asking him if something had happened.  I told him to hold on for a minute because they were talking about it on T.V.  He said, "Ya something has happened, they just flew a plane into the World Trade Center!"  As with many others, I thought it MUST have been an accident, as the day went on, sadly I found out of course that this was no accident. 
     I went to work, and we watched this horrible day unfold on t.v. until our boss told us to go home, and be with our families.  I remember Scott could not come home right away because they put the hospital on lockdown until they knew that we (in Utah) were "safe".  I remember being worried about my dad, because at the time, he was still working on base, and there was so much fear and uncertainty.  After this happened they heightened security on base so much that it took HOURS for him to get to and from work everyday.
    Ten years later, I still watch airplanes in the sky with a sense of fear.  I still tear up when I think about how awful it was to see those images on t.v. I can't imagine living close to New York, and having those "images" become more real.  I know that I should not judge people (and I really do try hard not to) but I must admit that to see people who look like they are from the middle east, I wonder what they are doing.  I used to get so MAD at my grandpa for being so racist toward the Japenese people.  Now, though I am still mad, perhaps I understand it a little more.  It's hard to remind yourself, that it's not the race that did that, it's the PERSON and that not everyone who is a member of that race, chooses to do HORRIBLE things.  September 11, forever changed the way our world is. 

It's great to be 8!

Sept. 10 came and went, and Jacob turned 8.  For months now, all I have heard him say is how much he wants to ride a horse.  Scott and I BOTH being "city" people...I just did not know how to pull this off.  I don't know anyone who owns a horse, so it wasn't like I could just call in a favor.  I was sitting getting my hair cut and there was a lady sitting close to me waiting for me to be done began talking about her horses.  I asked her if she knew where I could take him to do some kind of riding lesson, her response was to send him to her house.  She has horses, and her daughter competes with them, I asked her how much she would charge, she looked at me like I was CRAZY!  She told me that it would be free and they would love to do it.  This woman's name was Kristi, she wrote down her phone number and told me to call her to set it up. 
     When I called her, she was beyond nice, and told me to bring him on his birthday.  I asked her if Zack could come just to watch and of course she said YES!  We of course TORTURED Jacob with the fact that we had a surprise that he would find out about on his birthday.  He tried to guess what it was, his guesses included everything from a cruise (ya right!) to going to chuck e cheese.  The morning of his birthday, we all got dressed and headed out to the "secret location".  When we arrived, the boys were confused, we were at the Hooper Arena, we told them that we were just there to watch the competion that was taking place. 
     Jacob looked at me and for the millionth time, told me he wanted to ride a horse.  I told him that I was sorry, and explained to him that unless you owned a horse, you could not ride one, but watching them was the next best thing I could think of.  Anyway...long story short, we watche the competiton, and played at the park that was right there and when they were all done with the competion, we went looking for Kristi.  Since we had played at the park a little too long, a lot of the horse trailers were gone and we were panicking thinking that Kristi had given up on us and left.  At this point Jacob still did not know that he was actually going to get to ride the horse.  We were looking for Kristi, and asked a man if he had seen her, he looked down at the boys and said, "Oh you must be the lucky little feller that is gonna learn how to ride a horse today."  At that point BOTH boys figured it out and got SOOOOOO EXCITED! 
     The man directed us to the other field where Kristi had gone and to my complete surprise she had brought not only one, but two of her horses for BOTH boys to ride!  THE KINDESS OF STRANGERS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME.  Kristi and her 15 year old daughter Corrin, taught the boys about horses, and then each kid got to ride their horses for about 45 minutes.  I seriously was expecting for them to just get on the horse and go in a circle once or twice and be done.  Kristi and Corrin were amazingly generous and this is one birthday that Jacob will NEVER forget.  Jake LOVED being on the horse, the horses names were Maggie and Lacie, and they were so gentle that Jacob even got to have Emma ride with him.  Amazing.  Simply amazing that a complete stranger would do something like that. 
     We had everyone over and did cake and ice cream later that night.  Of course, as usual, Jacob was spoiled rotten and got everything he wanted, part of his birthday was given to him in July.  Scott and I with the help of our parents gave all three of the kids a swingset for their birthday this year.  They LOVE it~!  My mom and dad also bought the kids a ticket to The Little Mermaid that was playing at Tuachon in St. George.  Grandma and Grandpa McCleary took the boys down to St. George for 4 days and gave Scott and I a break!  I missed my boys, but must admit the break was nice.
     Since this blog is my journal, it's time to write things about Jacob at eight years old.
     Jacob is in 2nd grade and has Ms. McBride (who we adore)  Jacobs favorite foods are pizza, lasagna, hamburger and rice and EVERYTHING sweet.  Jake loves to ride his bike, play at the park and yes...still LOVES lightning mcqueen.  His best friend is his brother.  Jacob loves the summers because he LOVES to be outside.  Jacob does not get into too much trouble except when it comes to cleaning his room.  Jacob is a WONDERFUL brother to his siblings, he admires Zack so much and wants to be just like him (even though their personalities are so very different).   Jake simply adores his sister and just can't get enough of her.  Jacob is a big help and a hard worker (except the whole room thing)  He likes to do anything that his dad does, like mowing the lawn or getting on the roof (even though it scares me to death) to fix the  cooler or put up/take down Christmas lights.  Jacob LOVES to be anywhere with his dad.  Jacob has a tender heart and we are so blessed to have him.  Happy Birthday JACOB!!!!

A work in progress!

We took the kids on a surprise trip to DisneyLand!  Details will be coming, but we had such a great time!!!  Can't wait to have the time to sit down and remember every last detail.  Hope a break comes soon!!!

Baseball Confidence!!

Two nights ago I was sitting at Zack's baseball game thinking a million different things, it's been a rough week around here to say the least.  Zack's coach came up to me and said, "hey, I want to talk to you and Zack after the game".  In my head I have to admit that I was thinking that Zack had done something wrong, and was dreading this conversation.  As the game got over and the crowd dwindled down, I walked over to the coach.  What he said next completly blew me away!  The coach said that he had been around baseball for many years, he has played it, coached it and will watch it any chance he gets, he basically lives and breathes baseball!  The coach told me that Zack had a natural talent for baseball and by far out of the whole team, Zack was the most IMPROVED player!!  He literally begged me several times to keep him in baseball promising me, that if he stuck with it, and worked for it, he has the potential to be an AMAZING player someday!  A few weeks prior to this conversation, Zack got hit by a ball (really hard and right on the bone of his elbow) he cried as he took his base, but then he didn't stop crying, so he had to be taken out of the game for a bit.  That was a really bad day for all of the kids because at least 1/2 of the kids playing got hit and cried until they were taken out and replaced.  Anyway, that same day, at the next chance Zack got to bat, he hit the ball HARD!  3 runs came in because of his hit, it was AWESOME!  Back to what the coach was telling me, he said that kids either get hit by the ball and become afraid of it, or they see it as a challenge and try their hardest to overcome it, and in his opinion, Zack has chosen to see it as a challenge.  He told me that no matter what has happened in the inning, Zack is ALWAYS the first to tell his teammates what a good job they did (even if they didn't) and helped give them some confidence.  I can see that in my son, he has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  The coach said that it would really be a mistake for me to take him out of baseball, because he believed that Zack could accompish GREAT things in the sport.  I literally almost started to cry at that point, it is always nice to hear good things about your kids, but this was more then just a good review, this was heartfelt and sincere.  That coach will never know what he did for Zack's confidence that day, Zack has had some struggles recently and really needed to hear from someone besides his parents, that he has worth.  In all honesty, I needed to hear someone else say it as well!

Some memories and a goodbye.

This last week my great aunt Nedra passed away.  My mom and dad are still gone so it was up to Kristin and I to attend the funeral (I would have anyway).  I loved my Aunt for so many reasons, she had FIRE RED hair (just like me) and a personality that is unforgettable.  She was a sister to my Grandma Hodge, who I was VERY close to and very much alike.  The funeral was beautiful but so emotional, I think that I cried harder at that funeral then I did at my own grandma's.  Even as I sit here, I am tearing up thinking about it.  I think part of the reason that it was so hard is because I must have felt safe to cry.  With my mom not being there I think in some small way I felt like I didn't NEED to be strong, I know it's crazy but ever since my sister died, I feel like I need to NOT let my mom and dad see me cry, because it only makes them cry and I HATE to see them hurt so bad that they are crying.  I also feel like at my own Grandma's funeral there were so many emotions that went along with that.  She had dimensia and alzheimers, so at the time of her death, she hadn't really been her true self for quite a while.  Listening to all the stories at my aunt Nedra's funeral reminded me so very much of my grandma.  Here is why I loved her.
She wasn't your ordinary grandmother who knits or makes anything really, but she  would make sure that I had everything I wanted!
She ALWAYS had chocolate...ALWAYS, in fact, chocolate was a food group to her.  We could go to a restaurant and she would pick at her dinner, but the minute desert came so did her appetite!
If kids were being mean to her grandkids, she would tell them that she would beat them with her cane AND SHE MEANT EVERY WORD!!!
She was funny, she always could make me laugh.
She yelled at the cops when they pulled her over...something that I have been known to do.
She was a dreamer!  We always talked about getting a red sports car and driving anywhere we wanted to go.  It should be noted that the first car I purchased for myself, was red.
She ALWAYS made microwave popcorn before going to bed.  To this day stale microwave popcorn is SOOOO good!
She loved to drive.  It really was hard to watch her abilities leave her, and then to finally see my mom take away her license.
She always wore bright red lipstick.  Always!
(After she died, when we got to the mortuary, something just wasn't right, as soon as I saw her, I turned around and asked the mortician if they had any different colored lipstick, (they had put a pink one on her and it just wasn't right, much better after they added the red)
She called me Missy.  There are only 5 people in the world who call me that.  Both sets of grandparents, and my DAD!
She always believed that she would win the publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes!
She LOVED to gamble, but only at the nickel machines.  Before her and my grandpa died I got the privelage of driving them both to Wendover, it really was one of my funnest trips.
She was a great listener.  Any time I needed to talk about ANYTHING, I talked to her, I still do sometimes.
Any cat my mother ever owned she named Hermie, my mom's cat's were never named hermie.  Maybe she just couldn't remember their names or maybe she just really liked the name Hermie.
She loved getting strawberry milkshakes at McDonalds, they were the cure all!
She would buy a present for Christmas or your birthday, but by the time it came around, she had forgotten all about it, and bought more!  Something that I also have done.
She called sunglasses her dark glasses.
She was not afraid to tell someone to go to hell!  Something I also have done, on more then one occasion :)~
She would tell people that she was taking them out of the will, but never me for some reason, I was always in the will.
When things got expensive, she would make comments like, Oh C'mon, I've got money Bud hasn't even spent yet!  (I guess she figured since he wouldn't spend it...she would and she did)
She loved to go for a ride, it didn't matter where you were going.
She always made me and Amy and Kristin sing  Love one another while she hummed along loudly and out of tune!
She loved to listen to Kristin play the piano, (So do I)
She was fun.  I loved her, I still do. 
Being at her sister's funeral last week, just reminded me so much of her.  Many of the stories they told, included her because they were close.  And when they got together...oh how they laughed!!!  And they laughed so hard, that it didn't matter if you knew what they were laughing about or not, you couldn't help yourself but to just laugh right along with them.

Early last week, I had a dream.  When I woke up, I realized I had been crying in my sleep.  In my dream, Emma and I were sitting under a tree at a park watching the boys play.  I was just talking to Emma and I looked over and saw my grandma.  She looked just like I remember from when I was really little.  In my dream I remember her just watching me play with Emma.  I remember hearing someone calling her name, she looked at me one more time and smiled, then she got up and walked away (without her cane.)  As I mentioned before, I had been crying in my sleep.  I miss my grandma, I miss her for all of her funny quirky things that she said, and I miss her because she loved me.  Every single time I was with her, I knew I was special.  I hope that she is having a great reunion in Heaven with her sister, and also mine.

$ales!!!

I have decided that next to Thanksgiving...this is my FAVORITE time of year!  Christmas has come and gone and things get back to normal.  The stores  are clearing EVERYTHING that I need out in preparation for the next big thing...which for me, means SAVING!!!  I LOVE buying things on clearance!  I just went shopping and purchased enough clothes that if I needed it to..it could be her entire winter wardrobe and I only spent about $40.00~  I never have done this with Zack and Jacob because I am never sure what their sizes will be from year to year...but I really may have to just take the chance, bite the bullet and try it, It should at least work for ONE of them right?  I was able to buy a $40.00 coat for Emma for about $10.00 (which still was kind of expensive).  I LOVE knowing that I am set for Emma's birthday if I need to be, all she would get is clothes...but she will only be 2 and at that point in life I really don't think you care what you get.  I did this last year also and it was such a relief to look in the bin under her crib and realize how much we HAD rather then how much we NEEDED to still get!
     I saw a coat for the boys at Shopko that was normally $115.00 on sale for $50.00!  I could go and get two coats for cheaper then the original price of one!  Isn't that exciting???  It is to me!

NO REGRETS!

Sometimes I wonder where the time goes and why it must go so quickly!!  Today is the 10th of January....and my Christmas tree still stands in my living room.  I really am not normally one to keep it up this long, and if I had my way, it would not be there!  Life it seems, just gets incredibly busy at times and right now, we are in a busy time!  With Emma ruling the house during the day and Zack and Jacob's crazy schedules ruling our evenings, it seems as though NOTHING gets accomplished!  I am having way too much fun enjoying Emma while I have her all to myself during the days.  I know that this time will go much faster then I want it to and I don't want to look back and have any regrets!  When I had the boys it seems like such a blur looking back on it all.  When Zack was born I was only home with him for 6 very short weeks before returning to work.  I did not want to go back to work but at the time we felt like we could not afford for me to stay home.  We got ourselves into a routine and had just started adjusting and what seemed like 2 seconds later I was (unexpectedly) pregnant with Jacob!  Zack was just barely 4 months old when we realized I was pregnant.  After struggling with infertility, any child that comes into our lives is an added blessing. We were scared to death wondering how we were going to manage with two babies under the age of 2 but somehow, we did manage.  We just don't remember how LOL!!
     The things that I see Emma do and just the time I get to spend with her one on one is so precious to me and I feel so blessed to be able to have this time with her.  I kind of feel like the boys got cheated a little because with both of them running around, there was a constant chaos (there still is sometimes).  When Zack was little tiny, I was pregnant with Jacob, so my energy was probably lower then normal, then when Jacob came along and Zack was STILL not sleeping through the night I REALLY had no energy!  I was literally going from one baby to the next all day and all night long (I really don't know how mom's handle multiples)  We were in survival mode, just trying to make it from one minute to the next.  Now having Emma, and knowing in my heart that she is the last baby we will have, I am choosing to ENJOY my precious time with her!  So...for now, my Christmas tree can stay in my living room, and the laundry can continue to pile up because these moments will be gone far to fast.  Homework WILL get done, Zack will have a ride to scouts and back and Zack and Jacob WILL be at all of their basketball practices and games, and if you happen to come to my house...hopefully you will understand why my tree still stands...fully decorated~