hope

Warning: this post is strictly my journal and for that reason, IF I want to throw myself a pity party I will.  If you are not interested, nobody is asking you to read it.
     My cousin just had his back operated on, they told him he should have come and done it years ago, He is on the mend already walking and back to work.  His recovery time will be about 3 months.  My next door neighbor was telling me that her mom just scheduled a back surgery, her recovery will be a bit longer 3-6 months.  I could sit here and list every single person I know that has had back surgery and done just fine with the recovery, it would be a very long list.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for these people, I am happy that they have some HOPE of their backs getting better, yes I understand that it may never completely heal, but it will get better then it is right now for them.  I have been in a weird place in my head for months now.  It is starting to affect my life and the way that I look at things.  My back has been horrible for years, it started in jr. high and continues to get progressively worse.  I have been to LOTS of doctors to see if there is anything that can be done to help me.  I have been told that I need a back fusion which is what my parents had done.  The first time I was told this was when Jacob was about 3 months old (he is now 8).  I was at my mom's house and I went to change his diaper, I was in the hallway by the kitchen, when I bent over to wipe him, my back went out BAD.  I couldn't move, all I could do was lay there and cry because I was in so much pain.  I layed there until my dad was able to come home and help me get up to the bed, the whole time I was in excruciating pain, it took all I had to get to that bed, and even then, the pain did not ease up.  I was taken to St. Marks hospital to see this one highly recommended doctor.  It was one of the LONGEST and most painful car rides of my life.  The doc. ordered an M.R.I. then came in to tell me what he saw.  Basically the jist of it was that my back had several herniated discs, and some bulging discs, also arthritis and disc degeneration.  He told me that I needed a fusion, however he was unwilling to perform the surgery based on my age (I was 25 yrs old).  I stayed in the hospital for 1 week, during that time they pumped me full of pain meds, scheduled me for lots of injections and set me up with a pain doctor to manage my pain (give me pain medicine.)
     Since that time, I have been to several doctors (who have all given me the same treatment) I have done more injections than I could count, and I have been with a pain clinic to help monitor my pain.  I have tried physical therapy, I have done massage therapy and I have spent an outrageous amount of money at the pharmacy each month, not to mention all the copays.  I was actually even scheduled for surgery at one point, but couldn't follow through because I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Emma.  After I had Emma, I went back in to the doctor that WAS going to do my surgery.  I re-did all of the things that they asked me to do, paid more money to have more tests done, paid more money to do more injections, paid more money to fill the prescriptions that they wrote and through all of this, I still hurt like Hell.  Don't get me wrong, I know this is by far not the worst thing a person could go through.  I do understand that I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful and aware of my blessings.  I guess I just wish that I had some hope.  Right now, hope is something that is not a part of my life.  I have been told by so many doctors that my back situation is something that is bad, yet they are unwilling to try and do something to fix it.  For most of my life, I have been avoiding back surgery like the plague, but now I just feel like I am ready to try that option because right now, I am miserable.  Every single day, there is something that I am afraid to do, because I am afraid to hurt my back.  I am afraid to bend over and pick up my baby, for fear that I won't be able to get up.  I have stopped doing pretty much everything that I love doing.  I used to love to ski, I can't ski because if I fell it could be VERY bad.  I love to go the movies, but now it is hard to sit for that long.  Even church (especially church) I am MISERABLE when I am there, if I do sit there for the full three hours, it is only because I have taken a pain pill to help get me through it.  Pain pills scare me.  I have seen people who I love get addicted to pain pills.  It is a scary dark world that I do not want to enter.  I have seen a mother become so addicted to them that she doesn't seem to even want to be a mom anymore.  I am so afraid of that life.  That is not what I want for myself or my family.
     Scott and I recently went to a doctor, we explained everything from beginning to end with my back.  Scott said to the doctor, "You need to understand that she is feeling hopeless."  Want to know what he said?  He looked directly at me and said, "don't feel hopeless".  I told him I did, and he just said "well, don't"  Follow up with me in 2 months.  I am really glad that I am not the type of person that would ever consider suicide because if I was, and that is what he had told me, I don't think there would have been anything holding me back from making that choice.  Am I depressed?  Probably.  Wouldn't you be?  Imagine how you would feel if on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being no pain, and 10 being the worst you have ever felt, imagine if you ran on a 7-8 most days.  Imagine that you never got down past a 5.  I used to be a fun person who loved to do fun things, I loved to ski, I loved to Rollerblade, I loved to jump on a trampoline, I loved to go down water slides, or rent a wave runner for the day, or shop for hours and hours.  Now, I lay in my bed A LOT.  The things I used to love to do, I am afraid to do them because I can't afford for my back to hurt more then it already does.  And every doctor that I talk to doesn't seem to understand that I in a sense, have stopped LIVING.  I am so tired of not having any hope that this will get better at some point.  I am 34 years old, I should be able to do things that other people get to do, even just dumb everyday stuff.  I am so tired of worrying about switching over my laundry and wondering if that is what is going to hurt me.  Every doctor that I talk to tells me to avoid the following things, don't bend, twist, or lift.  Well that is pretty much impossible when you have kids, especially little kids.  I have basically been told that this is just how it's gonna be.  I just wish someone would take a chance and TRY to fix it.  I just can not imagine living the rest of my life this way.  It's depressing.  Yesterday, I went down to an elementary school to judge a science fair to help out a friend.  I stood for about 2 hours looking at the displays and talking with the kids.  Does that sound hard to you?  NOPE, it shouldn't have been, but it was.  The whole time I was standing there, I was in pain.  I came home and laid down for a few hours after.  I just want to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't.  This doesn't just affect me, it also affects those around me.  It has taken a toll on my marriage.  My kids view me as someone who doesn't know how to have fun, and I am more then certain that there are people who just think I am making it worse then it actually is.  I am in no way comparing my struggles with people who have cancer I know that they have soooooo much more to deal with, but they at least have OPTIONS.  I wish that I could choose which treatment plan I will do, but I don't get that luxury.  It is so easy for someone to say, well just exercise and lose weight and you will feel so much better...NO REALLY???  Do they honestly think that I don't know that?  How does one go about exercising when in so much pain?  Or maybe I'm not in pain when I start, but I can guarantee that I will be in pain (for days) when I am done.  I just want  somebody to tell me that it will all be OK, that I don't need to live the remainder of my life like this.  I want options.  I want HOPE.