Thursday, October 6, 2011
???
My heart is broken as I type this. I told Zack that ever since he got home from school, he had done nothing but annoy me! Honestly I feel like the worst mom. I was frustrated with the noise level in my house (mostly him), I was frustrated with the TOYS EVERYWHERE and it seemed that no matter what he did, it was making me crazy. Later I apologized to him and told him that he did not annoy me, but I still feel so guilty. I am his MOTHER, as I so easily remind him (mostly when he talks back to me) I should be the one who has the MOST patience with him and lately, I feel like I have none left. To top it all off, he told me that he feels like he has no friends at school, he has said this before and it truly does just break my heart. I guess all the boys were playing football and they all told him that he couldn't be on their teams. He said, mom...they just don't want me to play with them. At 9 yrs. old, that has got to be hard~! Every day, I see his confidence fade more and more, and I don't know what to do. I am not always the mean mom who has no patience for noise and clutter, in fact I think most of the time, I am just the opposite. For whatever reason, today it was all just getting to me. OF COURSE today would be the day where his own heart is breaking because he is feeling worthless at school. He hasnt said it in so many words, but I know that is how he is feeling. It is killing me inside. I don't know how to make the boys like him and want to play with him. I feel completly helpless. We are struggling with other issues with Zack as well. His teacher has approached us about getting him tested for A.D.D. this is something that we have suspected with him for quite some time, but it is now becoming a reality, at the moment, I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure what direction to go with this. Of course I want him to succeed, but I don't want him to be medicated out of his mind and NOT be Zack. Sometimes being a mom is just plain hard, you are expected to know all the answers and know how to give your child self confidence and worth, and I try, I really do, but something is clearly not working. I don't want him to feel so insecure like I did all the time growing up. I just wish the other kids didn't have to be so mean! Just wish I had all the answers!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Amy
September 11th for so many is the anniversary of something HORRIBLE, but it is also my sister's birthday. For the past 21 years, I have had to wish her a Happy Birthday at her grave. Something that no sister, mother father, aunt, uncle, brother or friend should ever have to do. I miss my sister. I miss the relationship that we had, and the relationship that we have been cheated out of. I miss being the "middle" child, instead when people assume that I am the "oldest" I have to tell them that I am the "oldest living" child. I just miss her.
September 11, 2011
Yesterday was the ten year anniversary of the 9-11 attacks. Where were you? I was at home, I had just woken up and was watching the TODAY show. I could not figure out what was going on, Scott happened to call right then and I remember asking him if something had happened. I told him to hold on for a minute because they were talking about it on T.V. He said, "Ya something has happened, they just flew a plane into the World Trade Center!" As with many others, I thought it MUST have been an accident, as the day went on, sadly I found out of course that this was no accident.
I went to work, and we watched this horrible day unfold on t.v. until our boss told us to go home, and be with our families. I remember Scott could not come home right away because they put the hospital on lockdown until they knew that we (in Utah) were "safe". I remember being worried about my dad, because at the time, he was still working on base, and there was so much fear and uncertainty. After this happened they heightened security on base so much that it took HOURS for him to get to and from work everyday.
Ten years later, I still watch airplanes in the sky with a sense of fear. I still tear up when I think about how awful it was to see those images on t.v. I can't imagine living close to New York, and having those "images" become more real. I know that I should not judge people (and I really do try hard not to) but I must admit that to see people who look like they are from the middle east, I wonder what they are doing. I used to get so MAD at my grandpa for being so racist toward the Japenese people. Now, though I am still mad, perhaps I understand it a little more. It's hard to remind yourself, that it's not the race that did that, it's the PERSON and that not everyone who is a member of that race, chooses to do HORRIBLE things. September 11, forever changed the way our world is.
I went to work, and we watched this horrible day unfold on t.v. until our boss told us to go home, and be with our families. I remember Scott could not come home right away because they put the hospital on lockdown until they knew that we (in Utah) were "safe". I remember being worried about my dad, because at the time, he was still working on base, and there was so much fear and uncertainty. After this happened they heightened security on base so much that it took HOURS for him to get to and from work everyday.
Ten years later, I still watch airplanes in the sky with a sense of fear. I still tear up when I think about how awful it was to see those images on t.v. I can't imagine living close to New York, and having those "images" become more real. I know that I should not judge people (and I really do try hard not to) but I must admit that to see people who look like they are from the middle east, I wonder what they are doing. I used to get so MAD at my grandpa for being so racist toward the Japenese people. Now, though I am still mad, perhaps I understand it a little more. It's hard to remind yourself, that it's not the race that did that, it's the PERSON and that not everyone who is a member of that race, chooses to do HORRIBLE things. September 11, forever changed the way our world is.
It's great to be 8!
Sept. 10 came and went, and Jacob turned 8. For months now, all I have heard him say is how much he wants to ride a horse. Scott and I BOTH being "city" people...I just did not know how to pull this off. I don't know anyone who owns a horse, so it wasn't like I could just call in a favor. I was sitting getting my hair cut and there was a lady sitting close to me waiting for me to be done began talking about her horses. I asked her if she knew where I could take him to do some kind of riding lesson, her response was to send him to her house. She has horses, and her daughter competes with them, I asked her how much she would charge, she looked at me like I was CRAZY! She told me that it would be free and they would love to do it. This woman's name was Kristi, she wrote down her phone number and told me to call her to set it up.
When I called her, she was beyond nice, and told me to bring him on his birthday. I asked her if Zack could come just to watch and of course she said YES! We of course TORTURED Jacob with the fact that we had a surprise that he would find out about on his birthday. He tried to guess what it was, his guesses included everything from a cruise (ya right!) to going to chuck e cheese. The morning of his birthday, we all got dressed and headed out to the "secret location". When we arrived, the boys were confused, we were at the Hooper Arena, we told them that we were just there to watch the competion that was taking place.
Jacob looked at me and for the millionth time, told me he wanted to ride a horse. I told him that I was sorry, and explained to him that unless you owned a horse, you could not ride one, but watching them was the next best thing I could think of. Anyway...long story short, we watche the competiton, and played at the park that was right there and when they were all done with the competion, we went looking for Kristi. Since we had played at the park a little too long, a lot of the horse trailers were gone and we were panicking thinking that Kristi had given up on us and left. At this point Jacob still did not know that he was actually going to get to ride the horse. We were looking for Kristi, and asked a man if he had seen her, he looked down at the boys and said, "Oh you must be the lucky little feller that is gonna learn how to ride a horse today." At that point BOTH boys figured it out and got SOOOOOO EXCITED!
The man directed us to the other field where Kristi had gone and to my complete surprise she had brought not only one, but two of her horses for BOTH boys to ride! THE KINDESS OF STRANGERS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. Kristi and her 15 year old daughter Corrin, taught the boys about horses, and then each kid got to ride their horses for about 45 minutes. I seriously was expecting for them to just get on the horse and go in a circle once or twice and be done. Kristi and Corrin were amazingly generous and this is one birthday that Jacob will NEVER forget. Jake LOVED being on the horse, the horses names were Maggie and Lacie, and they were so gentle that Jacob even got to have Emma ride with him. Amazing. Simply amazing that a complete stranger would do something like that.
We had everyone over and did cake and ice cream later that night. Of course, as usual, Jacob was spoiled rotten and got everything he wanted, part of his birthday was given to him in July. Scott and I with the help of our parents gave all three of the kids a swingset for their birthday this year. They LOVE it~! My mom and dad also bought the kids a ticket to The Little Mermaid that was playing at Tuachon in St. George. Grandma and Grandpa McCleary took the boys down to St. George for 4 days and gave Scott and I a break! I missed my boys, but must admit the break was nice.
Since this blog is my journal, it's time to write things about Jacob at eight years old.
Jacob is in 2nd grade and has Ms. McBride (who we adore) Jacobs favorite foods are pizza, lasagna, hamburger and rice and EVERYTHING sweet. Jake loves to ride his bike, play at the park and yes...still LOVES lightning mcqueen. His best friend is his brother. Jacob loves the summers because he LOVES to be outside. Jacob does not get into too much trouble except when it comes to cleaning his room. Jacob is a WONDERFUL brother to his siblings, he admires Zack so much and wants to be just like him (even though their personalities are so very different). Jake simply adores his sister and just can't get enough of her. Jacob is a big help and a hard worker (except the whole room thing) He likes to do anything that his dad does, like mowing the lawn or getting on the roof (even though it scares me to death) to fix the cooler or put up/take down Christmas lights. Jacob LOVES to be anywhere with his dad. Jacob has a tender heart and we are so blessed to have him. Happy Birthday JACOB!!!!
When I called her, she was beyond nice, and told me to bring him on his birthday. I asked her if Zack could come just to watch and of course she said YES! We of course TORTURED Jacob with the fact that we had a surprise that he would find out about on his birthday. He tried to guess what it was, his guesses included everything from a cruise (ya right!) to going to chuck e cheese. The morning of his birthday, we all got dressed and headed out to the "secret location". When we arrived, the boys were confused, we were at the Hooper Arena, we told them that we were just there to watch the competion that was taking place.
Jacob looked at me and for the millionth time, told me he wanted to ride a horse. I told him that I was sorry, and explained to him that unless you owned a horse, you could not ride one, but watching them was the next best thing I could think of. Anyway...long story short, we watche the competiton, and played at the park that was right there and when they were all done with the competion, we went looking for Kristi. Since we had played at the park a little too long, a lot of the horse trailers were gone and we were panicking thinking that Kristi had given up on us and left. At this point Jacob still did not know that he was actually going to get to ride the horse. We were looking for Kristi, and asked a man if he had seen her, he looked down at the boys and said, "Oh you must be the lucky little feller that is gonna learn how to ride a horse today." At that point BOTH boys figured it out and got SOOOOOO EXCITED!
The man directed us to the other field where Kristi had gone and to my complete surprise she had brought not only one, but two of her horses for BOTH boys to ride! THE KINDESS OF STRANGERS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. Kristi and her 15 year old daughter Corrin, taught the boys about horses, and then each kid got to ride their horses for about 45 minutes. I seriously was expecting for them to just get on the horse and go in a circle once or twice and be done. Kristi and Corrin were amazingly generous and this is one birthday that Jacob will NEVER forget. Jake LOVED being on the horse, the horses names were Maggie and Lacie, and they were so gentle that Jacob even got to have Emma ride with him. Amazing. Simply amazing that a complete stranger would do something like that.
We had everyone over and did cake and ice cream later that night. Of course, as usual, Jacob was spoiled rotten and got everything he wanted, part of his birthday was given to him in July. Scott and I with the help of our parents gave all three of the kids a swingset for their birthday this year. They LOVE it~! My mom and dad also bought the kids a ticket to The Little Mermaid that was playing at Tuachon in St. George. Grandma and Grandpa McCleary took the boys down to St. George for 4 days and gave Scott and I a break! I missed my boys, but must admit the break was nice.
Since this blog is my journal, it's time to write things about Jacob at eight years old.
Jacob is in 2nd grade and has Ms. McBride (who we adore) Jacobs favorite foods are pizza, lasagna, hamburger and rice and EVERYTHING sweet. Jake loves to ride his bike, play at the park and yes...still LOVES lightning mcqueen. His best friend is his brother. Jacob loves the summers because he LOVES to be outside. Jacob does not get into too much trouble except when it comes to cleaning his room. Jacob is a WONDERFUL brother to his siblings, he admires Zack so much and wants to be just like him (even though their personalities are so very different). Jake simply adores his sister and just can't get enough of her. Jacob is a big help and a hard worker (except the whole room thing) He likes to do anything that his dad does, like mowing the lawn or getting on the roof (even though it scares me to death) to fix the cooler or put up/take down Christmas lights. Jacob LOVES to be anywhere with his dad. Jacob has a tender heart and we are so blessed to have him. Happy Birthday JACOB!!!!
Friday, June 17, 2011
A work in progress!
We took the kids on a surprise trip to DisneyLand! Details will be coming, but we had such a great time!!! Can't wait to have the time to sit down and remember every last detail. Hope a break comes soon!!!
Baseball Confidence!!
Two nights ago I was sitting at Zack's baseball game thinking a million different things, it's been a rough week around here to say the least. Zack's coach came up to me and said, "hey, I want to talk to you and Zack after the game". In my head I have to admit that I was thinking that Zack had done something wrong, and was dreading this conversation. As the game got over and the crowd dwindled down, I walked over to the coach. What he said next completly blew me away! The coach said that he had been around baseball for many years, he has played it, coached it and will watch it any chance he gets, he basically lives and breathes baseball! The coach told me that Zack had a natural talent for baseball and by far out of the whole team, Zack was the most IMPROVED player!! He literally begged me several times to keep him in baseball promising me, that if he stuck with it, and worked for it, he has the potential to be an AMAZING player someday! A few weeks prior to this conversation, Zack got hit by a ball (really hard and right on the bone of his elbow) he cried as he took his base, but then he didn't stop crying, so he had to be taken out of the game for a bit. That was a really bad day for all of the kids because at least 1/2 of the kids playing got hit and cried until they were taken out and replaced. Anyway, that same day, at the next chance Zack got to bat, he hit the ball HARD! 3 runs came in because of his hit, it was AWESOME! Back to what the coach was telling me, he said that kids either get hit by the ball and become afraid of it, or they see it as a challenge and try their hardest to overcome it, and in his opinion, Zack has chosen to see it as a challenge. He told me that no matter what has happened in the inning, Zack is ALWAYS the first to tell his teammates what a good job they did (even if they didn't) and helped give them some confidence. I can see that in my son, he has the biggest heart of anyone I know. The coach said that it would really be a mistake for me to take him out of baseball, because he believed that Zack could accompish GREAT things in the sport. I literally almost started to cry at that point, it is always nice to hear good things about your kids, but this was more then just a good review, this was heartfelt and sincere. That coach will never know what he did for Zack's confidence that day, Zack has had some struggles recently and really needed to hear from someone besides his parents, that he has worth. In all honesty, I needed to hear someone else say it as well!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Some memories and a goodbye.
This last week my great aunt Nedra passed away. My mom and dad are still gone so it was up to Kristin and I to attend the funeral (I would have anyway). I loved my Aunt for so many reasons, she had FIRE RED hair (just like me) and a personality that is unforgettable. She was a sister to my Grandma Hodge, who I was VERY close to and very much alike. The funeral was beautiful but so emotional, I think that I cried harder at that funeral then I did at my own grandma's. Even as I sit here, I am tearing up thinking about it. I think part of the reason that it was so hard is because I must have felt safe to cry. With my mom not being there I think in some small way I felt like I didn't NEED to be strong, I know it's crazy but ever since my sister died, I feel like I need to NOT let my mom and dad see me cry, because it only makes them cry and I HATE to see them hurt so bad that they are crying. I also feel like at my own Grandma's funeral there were so many emotions that went along with that. She had dimensia and alzheimers, so at the time of her death, she hadn't really been her true self for quite a while. Listening to all the stories at my aunt Nedra's funeral reminded me so very much of my grandma. Here is why I loved her.
She wasn't your ordinary grandmother who knits or makes anything really, but she would make sure that I had everything I wanted!
She ALWAYS had chocolate...ALWAYS, in fact, chocolate was a food group to her. We could go to a restaurant and she would pick at her dinner, but the minute desert came so did her appetite!
If kids were being mean to her grandkids, she would tell them that she would beat them with her cane AND SHE MEANT EVERY WORD!!!
She was funny, she always could make me laugh.
She yelled at the cops when they pulled her over...something that I have been known to do.
She was a dreamer! We always talked about getting a red sports car and driving anywhere we wanted to go. It should be noted that the first car I purchased for myself, was red.
She ALWAYS made microwave popcorn before going to bed. To this day stale microwave popcorn is SOOOO good!
She loved to drive. It really was hard to watch her abilities leave her, and then to finally see my mom take away her license.
She always wore bright red lipstick. Always!
(After she died, when we got to the mortuary, something just wasn't right, as soon as I saw her, I turned around and asked the mortician if they had any different colored lipstick, (they had put a pink one on her and it just wasn't right, much better after they added the red)
She called me Missy. There are only 5 people in the world who call me that. Both sets of grandparents, and my DAD!
She always believed that she would win the publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes!
She LOVED to gamble, but only at the nickel machines. Before her and my grandpa died I got the privelage of driving them both to Wendover, it really was one of my funnest trips.
She was a great listener. Any time I needed to talk about ANYTHING, I talked to her, I still do sometimes.
Any cat my mother ever owned she named Hermie, my mom's cat's were never named hermie. Maybe she just couldn't remember their names or maybe she just really liked the name Hermie.
She loved getting strawberry milkshakes at McDonalds, they were the cure all!
She would buy a present for Christmas or your birthday, but by the time it came around, she had forgotten all about it, and bought more! Something that I also have done.
She called sunglasses her dark glasses.
She was not afraid to tell someone to go to hell! Something I also have done, on more then one occasion :)~
She would tell people that she was taking them out of the will, but never me for some reason, I was always in the will.
When things got expensive, she would make comments like, Oh C'mon, I've got money Bud hasn't even spent yet! (I guess she figured since he wouldn't spend it...she would and she did)
She loved to go for a ride, it didn't matter where you were going.
She always made me and Amy and Kristin sing Love one another while she hummed along loudly and out of tune!
She loved to listen to Kristin play the piano, (So do I)
She was fun. I loved her, I still do.
Being at her sister's funeral last week, just reminded me so much of her. Many of the stories they told, included her because they were close. And when they got together...oh how they laughed!!! And they laughed so hard, that it didn't matter if you knew what they were laughing about or not, you couldn't help yourself but to just laugh right along with them.
Early last week, I had a dream. When I woke up, I realized I had been crying in my sleep. In my dream, Emma and I were sitting under a tree at a park watching the boys play. I was just talking to Emma and I looked over and saw my grandma. She looked just like I remember from when I was really little. In my dream I remember her just watching me play with Emma. I remember hearing someone calling her name, she looked at me one more time and smiled, then she got up and walked away (without her cane.) As I mentioned before, I had been crying in my sleep. I miss my grandma, I miss her for all of her funny quirky things that she said, and I miss her because she loved me. Every single time I was with her, I knew I was special. I hope that she is having a great reunion in Heaven with her sister, and also mine.
She wasn't your ordinary grandmother who knits or makes anything really, but she would make sure that I had everything I wanted!
She ALWAYS had chocolate...ALWAYS, in fact, chocolate was a food group to her. We could go to a restaurant and she would pick at her dinner, but the minute desert came so did her appetite!
If kids were being mean to her grandkids, she would tell them that she would beat them with her cane AND SHE MEANT EVERY WORD!!!
She was funny, she always could make me laugh.
She yelled at the cops when they pulled her over...something that I have been known to do.
She was a dreamer! We always talked about getting a red sports car and driving anywhere we wanted to go. It should be noted that the first car I purchased for myself, was red.
She ALWAYS made microwave popcorn before going to bed. To this day stale microwave popcorn is SOOOO good!
She loved to drive. It really was hard to watch her abilities leave her, and then to finally see my mom take away her license.
She always wore bright red lipstick. Always!
(After she died, when we got to the mortuary, something just wasn't right, as soon as I saw her, I turned around and asked the mortician if they had any different colored lipstick, (they had put a pink one on her and it just wasn't right, much better after they added the red)
She called me Missy. There are only 5 people in the world who call me that. Both sets of grandparents, and my DAD!
She always believed that she would win the publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes!
She LOVED to gamble, but only at the nickel machines. Before her and my grandpa died I got the privelage of driving them both to Wendover, it really was one of my funnest trips.
She was a great listener. Any time I needed to talk about ANYTHING, I talked to her, I still do sometimes.
Any cat my mother ever owned she named Hermie, my mom's cat's were never named hermie. Maybe she just couldn't remember their names or maybe she just really liked the name Hermie.
She loved getting strawberry milkshakes at McDonalds, they were the cure all!
She would buy a present for Christmas or your birthday, but by the time it came around, she had forgotten all about it, and bought more! Something that I also have done.
She called sunglasses her dark glasses.
She was not afraid to tell someone to go to hell! Something I also have done, on more then one occasion :)~
She would tell people that she was taking them out of the will, but never me for some reason, I was always in the will.
When things got expensive, she would make comments like, Oh C'mon, I've got money Bud hasn't even spent yet! (I guess she figured since he wouldn't spend it...she would and she did)
She loved to go for a ride, it didn't matter where you were going.
She always made me and Amy and Kristin sing Love one another while she hummed along loudly and out of tune!
She loved to listen to Kristin play the piano, (So do I)
She was fun. I loved her, I still do.
Being at her sister's funeral last week, just reminded me so much of her. Many of the stories they told, included her because they were close. And when they got together...oh how they laughed!!! And they laughed so hard, that it didn't matter if you knew what they were laughing about or not, you couldn't help yourself but to just laugh right along with them.
Early last week, I had a dream. When I woke up, I realized I had been crying in my sleep. In my dream, Emma and I were sitting under a tree at a park watching the boys play. I was just talking to Emma and I looked over and saw my grandma. She looked just like I remember from when I was really little. In my dream I remember her just watching me play with Emma. I remember hearing someone calling her name, she looked at me one more time and smiled, then she got up and walked away (without her cane.) As I mentioned before, I had been crying in my sleep. I miss my grandma, I miss her for all of her funny quirky things that she said, and I miss her because she loved me. Every single time I was with her, I knew I was special. I hope that she is having a great reunion in Heaven with her sister, and also mine.
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